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Last summer
they removed two tonsils and an embryo. Troublesome growths, more of a
hindrance than a help they said about all these dangling appendages. The
embryo, of course, did not dangle. The embryo, for a brief moment, sat
in a warm sac of blood, whispering “Tu danse trés bien,
en fait.”
I feel very
light now, without these extras. I think I’ll go for a kidney next,
two always seemed a little excessive, a little too bourgeois.
It was on
Bastille Day that Mohammed, swaying, spoke into my neck (he missed my
ear by a few centimeters). In the jostling crowd, he asked me to dance
after we’d already begun.
Two tonsils,
no embryo.
We valsed
to soul and accordions, drinking tinny wine and tepid beer. His girlfriend
was an hour late, he told me, laughing. She’s Italian, he had added,
as if to explain. We danced haphazardly for hours, and the crowd formed
a circle around us. It was not because we were any good, you see, but
because we were clumsy, we battered grumpy Parisians with every turn and
dip. We danced a souk and during “I Will Survive” he kissed
me.
“J’aime
tourné aussi,” he said like a child. He turned me again,
and I fell into the crowd. He caught my wrist before I hit the ground
and tried to keep his own balance.
“Doucement,
prudement,” he said half to himself, palms out and down in
a steadying gesture. Drunken confetti shimmied from the sky.
***
My lymph
system, you know, is partially gutted. I am systematically removing my
innards and soon I’ll be retrofitted to a sterile body, clean and
sleek. I have no glands in my neck. I had them removed the summer before
last. They were infected with a rare filth. Better to discard the whole
lot, n’est-ce pas? The tonsillectomy was a matter of aesthetics,
la pièce de resistance.
I’ll
skip the romance, if you’ll permit: the looks askance, the smell
of fresh mint, the discussions of Maupassant as Brazilian music wove through
silences.
On Rue Magenta
he fell flat on his face. We’d been walking away from everything.
Away from La Bastille, away from the crowds and the lights, away from
my temporary home. I helped him up. The metro was closed and I had two
euro in my pocket. So we walked.
We came by
a warm rectangle of yellow light, men and women dancing to Moroccan music
in a bar across the street. It was two in the morning. I suggested we
go there. Inside, the crowd created a welcoming steam. The light was bright,
the hips undulating, arms upraised. A pale, chubby French couple pawed
at each other in a corner, and the rest of the patrons reveled. So we
danced too. And they stared. And I found myself an exhibitionist, dancing
for the crowd, fat drops of sweat puddling on my face, under my arms,
rayon clinging. The floor cleared and Mohammed and I continued to dance.
I tried to follow his feet, looked at his swinging hips. And he told me
they were all staring because I danced well, though I felt us flailing
under harsher light.
When Mo went
to the washroom, I stood awkwardly to the side of the bar. A man with
shrewd dark eyes and a mole on his chin offered me a beer and when I told
him I was only drinking water he apologized, asked if Mo was mon petit
ami.
“Pas
vraiment,” I said to my immediate regret. He repeated my words,
nodding as if he suspected as much. Mo returned and kissed me (although
I didn’t want him to), and the other man backed off, watching from
afar.
We grew tired.
I couldn’t possibly dance until the metro opened again hours later.
We continued to walk and moisture gathered around my feet. He lived near
Clignancourt, end of the metro line. Six flights and a barking dog.
As if to
keep up with some romantic mood, Mo left all but a string of fish-shaped
lights off in the living room. We ate cherries and drank tea and talked.
His bookshelves were filled mostly with Spanish language texts, music,
a few guidebooks to Brazil and Vietnam. On a fake mantle were two large
photographs: one of himself in black and white, with a gorgeous mass of
glossy curls (now shorn), smiling with eyes much sharper than what I saw
before me; and one of an elderly couple (unsmiling), wrapped in white
cloaks and head scarves, standing a foot apart from each other in some
red-brown desert town, two lonely white buildings and a great big mountain
behind. He was astounded—astounded—to discover that we were
both “fishes,” said he didn’t know any girls to have
a birthday so close to his own.
“C’est
comme ça,” I shrugged.
I lay on
his couch in my sweaty clothes, watched the sky turn purple behind the
silver slit of the moon. He slept in the other room. You can’t sleep
for just an hour, he had said, c’est ridicule. But what
could we do, I asked naively. I wanted to be on the first metro back.
He repeated
my question languorously, enunciating every word, a glint in his sobering
eyes.
“Oui,
qu’est-ce qu’on peut faire?”
I only need
an hour of sleep, I replied. He nodded, and set up the couch. If you need
anything, si tu as un cauchemar, my door is open, he said before going
to bed.
“Croissants
et café à neuf heures et demi,” he called from
across the hall.
Two hours
later, the sun drew obese flies into the room; they buzzed slowly above
the pile of cherry carcasses. My stomach hurt, I felt congested. I jumped
up and ran across the hall, to the bathroom. Saw him sleeping in the other
room, naked, door wide open. In the bathroom, a thick yellow liquid dripped
from a tank above the sink. On the mirror was a small square of paper,
asking the faucet not to emit discolored water, a frowning face drawn
on. On my way out, I glanced back in at him, sleeping and exposed, a smooth
brown body. Slender. More youthful than his face, which was stubbly and
marked by deepening smiles-lines. I left without saying anything, unsure
if I would see him again, hoping this would be the limit to my stupidity.
Outside, confetti fell from my hair. Pink, blue, white on the cool cobblestones.
I bought
a croissant from a woman who smiled and yelled il commence to the backroom
of the bakery in the early morning, post-festivity rush. On the metro,
I felt something rupture in my nose. Blood dripped in rapid succession.
I had nothing to stop it with. I broke open the croissant and used that
until a woman on the other side of the car walked over to me with a tissue.
I gave a muffled merci and held the bloodied croissant in my lap for the
hour-long ride across Paris. If only I didn’t need my nose.
I saw Mo
again the next day. I had text-messaged him, thanking him for his hospitality,
and he wanted to spend the afternoon with me. We took a catnap in Place
Vosges, the sun beating down through the cloud cover. We walked, and drank
large cans of beer by the green Canal St. Martin. Mo wondered why there
were so few people around. The city already emptied out for the summer.
I liked the silence, I buttered it on with reticence. It was comfortable
that way. I didn’t care, and he didn’t try to fill the spaces
with small talk. We simply drank together, punctured the silence with
the occasional exchange, looked back at the people staring at us.
That cheerful,
child-like attitude he had during the national holiday was crumbling.
In a manner both serious and offhanded he invited me to dinner. I know
a good Pakistani restaurant, he told me. He finished his third beer and
we went.
We ate lamb
and spinach in Faubourg St. Denis, the spices a welcoming shock to the
system after weeks of mild French fare. Our laconic conversation limited
now to food. How good the spices are. Yes, we agreed, how good.
We returned
to his apartment and sampled rum from Guatemala and Les Antilles. Sweetened
with extra cane juice to take off the edge. Music played loudly, I couldn’t
hear what he said. I asked him to sit closer and he said he’d shout.
He was saying something about how talkative his now-back-in-Italy girlfriend
was, but I didn’t listen much. The word copine confused me.
The rum began
to nauseate me. I felt a vast network of gunk growing inside me. I imagined
it was green and gangly, swaying in the darkness of my belly, attaching
itself to vital organs. I needed the sharpness of scalpels, the burn of
pure alcohol. I reached for the strongest rum, from Martinique.
“Mais
tu bois vites,” he said. “Tu m’inquiète.”
I lay on the couch, filling the space where I had hoped he’d sit,
and stared at his ceiling. He changed the sad Brazilian music to a lively
salsa.
I got up
and walked over to Mohammed, took his hand grinning. Made him dance with
me, swirling drunk about the small room bumping into chairs, the coffee
table. We danced like this for one song, almost deliberately pushing each
other around. (Or was it just me, pushing him?) And then we fell into
each other, and onto the couch (not without some violence), and when I
asked if he had condoms he immediately searched and procured them, while
humming some child’s tune I couldn’t quite place.
In the morning,
forgotten words over croissants and globs of honey, flaking and plopping
over the table still sticky with cherry juice. Maybe we’d see each
other before I left Paris, we said over coffee that smelled like rotten
vegetables. A curt farewell kiss, devoid of feeling. On the metro home,
I shrugged at the inevitable. I returned to the brown haze of New York
City and he went on vacation to Mozambique. La chaleur en Paris,
he wrote in his final email, it keeps me up at night.
Five days
later I birthed a latex condom. It emerged slowly, to my bewilderment
and horror, trailing with it its contents. My baffled and panicked noises
echoing against the tiles in the bathroom, unheard in the empty house.
The condom, once white, was discolored. Red.
We’d
talked about Maupassant and the value of concision. Perhaps I’ll
go for the appendix next, a vestigial organ of no use, pure kitsch. Go
for the spleen, that laughable bundle of cells. I’m removing the
superfluous, the pathways and vessels of infection. My body is efficient.
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